xXx: Senseless?
Not Porn, You Fags

This is Vin Deisel getting shot at by a hand. During the movie, Vinny wore some sort of fur...thing. I'm assuming it was supposed to be a pimp coat and they just didn't have one on set, so I made it pink for them.

Umm...Can somebody please explain this movie to me? The demography work seems a little messed up to me. This is an action movie. The classic demography of an action movie is a bunch of guys looking for mindless shooting and explosives (which I support). This movie also features numerous shots which I'd assume are fillers (basically the whole movie) in which Vin Deisel or whatever the hell his name is is running around shirtless. The classic demography for things like that would be the same as some crappy romance movie, like "You've Got Mail" or something of that nature: sappy emotional women. Now, forgive me if I'm wrong (not likely), but aren't those two demographics the exact opposite? Seeing as this is the case, I'm going to review the movie in those two aspects seperately.

Action
(A before R)
Hmm...I believe I've seen this movie before. It goes by hundreds of different names, but my favorite is definately "boring ass movie about an undercover guy who has to save a bunch of people from weapons of mass destruction." Included are the classic Bad Guys Can't Shoot for Shit scenes, the Fast Cars Being Blown Up scenes, and the Jumping A Crotch Rocket 80 Feet in the Air scenes. Oh, and the "fast car" loaded with hidden weapons (which brings up another thing. How the hell do you load thousands upon thousands of pounds of weapons into a car and still make it fast? And did you see those missiles that shot out of the front bumper? Those were about 3 feet long, yet they somehow packed those in, along with a large enough engine to make the car fast - assuming around 8000 cubes - which should put the engine somewhere around Vinny's face. Where did this go?). However, this movie adds new stuff. Such as the rocket turning a 90 degree corner based on the heat signature of a cigarette, in the middle of a 6 foot wide hallway, when the rockets are generally made to gun down jet planes, whose engines burn a bit hotter than a cigarette, and don't do 90 degree turns within 6 feet. Also, we get Vinny snowboarding down a mountain to escape from an avalanche. Couldn't they have just dropped some explosives a little up the mountain and then dropped him off down the mountain a ways? Why not? Answer me, you fags. That's all for the action part. On too...
Romance
Do I even need to go into this? I prefer not to sound gay as I cretique Vinny's nipple tattoo (which I didn't need to see) or his mating with random Russian whores. Can anybody please tell me where morals went? Goddammit, we have kids shooting up schools already, we don't need to teach them that mating with Russians is okay. Shit.

If you haven't already, I warn you DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. Yes, it is that bad.


I give this movie three ballshots down (as only gay porn gets four, otherwise...)