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If your child isn't seeing this flash before their eyes by the end of your discussion, they weren't taking you seriously enough.
Come on parents. When your kid tells you that he wants to be an astronaut or a pirate, just tell him the truth. Since I was like three years old I wanted to be one of those two professions, and you know what? I didn't find out that pirates don't even exist until about six months ago. Talk about crushed dreams. I'd have rather my parents were honest with me up front and just said "son, there's no way in hell you could ever be a pirate, you just don't kick enough ass" (although I do, but the whole not existing anymore thing...instead I became a ninja); at least that way I wouldn't have built up all these hopes and dreams. However, I still haven't given up on the astronaut thing. Between you and me, though, I don't think it's going to happen. Why not tell your kid up front where they're going. Just sit them down and let them know how they were an accident. The condom fell off while daddy was banging mommy's brains out, and against all of mommy and daddy's hopes and dreams, a little child was born. Now, that doesn't mean that we don't love you, little Johnny. We just don't really want you. Now it takes true love to be that brutally honest. I would be very grateful if my parents gave me that speech (except for the sex part *vomit*). Right now I expect any parents to go and correct all the lies you've been telling your kids. Let them know there's no Santa Clause, no Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy, no Buttbandit from Smokey Mountain (please tell me I'm not the only kid who was fed this crappy horror story), and no Superman. If your child hasn't pledged their soul to Satan by the time you're through, they obviously aren't taking you seriously enough. I suggest application of a rotary sander to make them understand the nature of your little talk.
Email me: tyler@childprogeny.com
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