I know that this man has no ears, and as such probably isn't going to be considered "cool" by many people, but don't you think closing his mouth would help?

Next time somebody sits next to me to eat or some other such nonsense and starts munching away on their food with their mouth open, they will die. I'm not making any sort of rationalization, other than the fact that it's REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING, and the police may come look on my web site to find out that it was, in fact, premeditated. I am willing to face the consequences of a possible execution or at least life in prison to rid the world of another person who eats food while drooling half of it out of their facehole. Every goddamn day I go to school. Now if that weren't bad enough, I have to eat lunch there. Well, actually, I don't; I could go somewhere else, but I have to park so damn far away that I'd rather not. Now, when I eat lunch at school, I am invariably surrounded by a herd of people who, much like cattle, feel the need to chew on their food with their mouths open, food falling out, and after swallowing it, regurgitating it to go at it again. Now, you must by this point be saying "why surely you stretch the truth." No, you dumb motherfucker, I don't. Every day it's like one of those crappy horror movies/hellholes where the main character finds out that every single person at their school is an alien and procedes to run about like a beheaded chicken hopped up on methamphetamines, screaming while their "fellow students" laugh and point at them. That's exactly what it's like, except without the strange green skin and odd bug-eyes (in most cases). To rid the world of this virus of stupidity, I have come up with a system of judgement on how people will be punished based on their actions. Aaaannnndddd, here it is!

Showing: Teeth
Sound: Mildly Revolting
Punishment: Pure hydrochloric acid will be drizzled with abandon on the food then the subject will be forced to eat it. This should put a stop to their eating pretty fast, as well as whiten their teeth.

Showing: Gums
Sound: Quite Disgusting
Punishment: Subject will be forced at gun/knife point to floss their teeth with spun glass. As with the previous punishment, this will stop the subject from eating in a hurry. However, this method probably won't whiten their teeth. On the slightly less negative side, it should get any of the nasty crap they've been munching on out from between their teeth.

Showing: Food
Sound: Vomit Enducing
Punishment: The subject will be forced to castrate themselves with a white hot cattle prod. In between writhing in agony and burning off their genetilia, they will be required to shout out their sin, namely "I am a slob and must learn to coexist with other humans of a descent sort. I am scum!" To those of you thinking to yourself that the quote I named sounds very gay, that's the point.

Showing: Tongue
Sound: Worse than Fingernails on a Chalk Board
Punishment: Everything for all of the more minor offenses, in order, then death. The manner of death is up to the person being tormented by the subject, but some popular suggestions follow: IV drip of Drano, being run over slowly by those giant street flattener things, drawing and quartering, and finally, death by steel wool to the ear.